Even families that have always gotten along can experience tension when caring for an aging parent or loved one. Caregiving often brings together multiple decision-makers with different personalities, priorities, and perspectives. When combined with stress, financial concerns, and old family dynamics, these pressures can strain even the strongest relationships.
Understanding common sources of family and sibling friction, and knowing how to address them, can help families work together more effectively and protect long-term relationships.
Why family and sibling friction happens
Caregiving can surface challenges such as:
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Multiple opinions about care decisions
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Unequal division of responsibilities
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Financial disagreements about who pays for what
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Geographic distance between siblings
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Old family roles and unresolved dynamics
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Role reversals between parents and adult children
Without clear communication, these issues can quickly escalate and damage family relationships.
Considering mediation as a solution
Some families turn to elder mediation to help navigate conflict. Elder mediation involves a neutral conflict-resolution professional, often an attorney or therapist, who meets with adult siblings and, when possible, the parents themselves.
Mediation is:
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Confidential
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Non-binding
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Focused on consensus and problem-solving
Depending on the situation, other professionals such as financial planners, elder law attorneys, or aging life care specialists may also participate. Mediation can help families move forward while keeping the focus on the parent’s best interests.
Issues to consider when navigating family conflict
Listening to each other
Listening is one of the most important tools for reducing conflict. Take time to hear everyone’s perspective and ask why they feel the way they do. Treat each family member with respect, even when you disagree.
If emotions run high, step away and return to the conversation later. Words spoken in anger can have long-lasting effects on sibling relationships, even after caregiving ends.
Creating a plan for communication
Decide how and when family discussions will take place. This might include:
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In-person family meetings
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Conference calls
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Video calls using tools like FaceTime or Zoom
Whatever method you choose, follow up on unresolved issues and document decisions to reduce confusion and resentment.
Including your parents when possible
Whenever possible, ask your parents what they want before making decisions. Then discuss whether their wishes are realistic and in their best interests.
Important topics may include:
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Where they want to live
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End-of-life wishes
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Legal and financial decisions
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What should happen to their home or belongings
If a parent has dementia or cognitive impairment, these conversations may not be possible, which can add to family stress.
Sharing responsibilities based on strengths
When one sibling becomes the primary caregiver, it is important to decide how others can help. Support does not have to look the same for everyone.
Consider each family member’s strengths:
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A sibling who lives nearby might visit adult day care programs, interview caregivers, or accompany a parent to medical appointments
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Someone who is good with finances could manage bills or meet with a financial planner
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A sibling with more financial flexibility might contribute more to paid care or household help
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A tech-savvy family member could set up care coordination tools, family websites, or assist with technology for your parent
Out-of-town siblings may be able to provide respite by staying with a parent for short periods or hosting them for visits.
Family and sibling friction is common during caregiving, but it does not have to define the experience. Open communication, shared decision-making, and a willingness to seek outside support can help families work together more effectively and preserve relationships long after caregiving ends.
Frequently asked questions
Why does caregiving cause conflict between siblings?
Caregiving can bring stress, financial pressure, and unequal responsibilities, which often highlight differences in priorities, communication styles, and family dynamics.
What is elder mediation?
Elder mediation involves a neutral professional who helps families resolve caregiving conflicts through guided discussion and consensus-building.
How can siblings divide caregiving responsibilities fairly?
Responsibilities can be shared based on strengths, availability, location, and financial capacity, rather than equally dividing every task.
What if siblings disagree about a parent’s care?
Open communication, involving professionals, and focusing on the parent’s best interests can help resolve disagreements and reduce long-term conflict.
